I don’t think I knew what that truly meant until today. I sit here in my room, not in sadness, but in tears of relief. I have been praying for answers for awhile now. I didn’t really understand things…I mean, I thought I did but it was all just a misconception, everything was.
I’m not going to end this with some great happy ending, because it’s not. The truth of the matter is, is that we all have issues. Suppressed ones, to say the least. As much as we ( I ) don’t want to admit this, I am going to….to all of you, whoever my audience may be.
Self Love: does anyone know what that is? It’s a hard thing to fathom.
It is not giving yourself your wants, and it is not giving yourself your desires either…
We all have this cup we are supposed to fill. And people struggle to understand that it is NOT always giving yourself what you want! Sometimes what you want, is not best for you. And in terms of what I am talking about today for me, is falling in love.
I realized today that falling in love with someone has been a desire of mine for quite awhile. I have prayed about it, and wondered, when is my time? I’m ready to share my love with someone, I want this, I want to give, and to be loved unconditionally. The problem of it all, was two things, first off, I have all of the wrong people in my life. People who I thought were potential candidates, people who I imagined myself meeting, people who were just flat out problematic relationships, and then there was me. The girl who prayed she would meet the one, just so ready for it all.
Secondly, or should I say, the second problem of this entire fucking scenario is that through all of this, I have kept trying to fill this imaginary cup up with these desires and wants, in hope of finding some truth. When in reality, the truth has been sitting in front of me… staring me bare in the eyes this entire time. I have only tried giving myself what I desire, I have not actually given myself what I’ve needed.
I have done nothing for the best interest of myself, nothing for the self love of myself, and nothing that a loving person would do for themselves at all. I have tried so desperately, and shed so many tears, wondering why me, why is this such a challenge?? And the truth to all of it is, is that I am not ready.
I have put so much energy into other people, and forgotten about myself so much; and I have found that this cup I have been so eagerly trying to fill, has actually been empty. Because nothing was being put into it in the first place. And let me tell you, that is a harsh reality. It’s like searching for something, but in all the wrong places. And I’ve come to realize that
you can’t search for love….you will not find it. The truth about love is that it only exists in yourself. And once you feel that, is when you are able to truly give it to another person.
And right now, I have a lot of work to do. A lot of my life to clean up, a lot of areas that no longer match the way I feel about myself. I’m growing, and changing, and slowly learning to love myself and learning to fill up that cup with what I need, instead of what I want. And once all of that happens, is when the right people start walking into my life. Here’s to me.
-Yours Truly x